BUILDING BELONGING BY LOOKING UP
What do you crave? Miss? Wish you had more of?
For me, I would say human connection and meaningful time with people.
Your responses are most likely dependent on where you are in life, what drives and motivates you, and what you may be missing. For the most part however, I have learned through my studies and experiences that we all desire a sense of belonging and connection along with a sense of being “seen” or knowing that “I matter”, and many of these basic needs are not being met in society today.
Look Up was developed based on these observations coupled with knowledge of neuroscience literature.
The answer to these challenges is to “Look Up”. What is around you? What do you see? Who is visible to you? What does that person in front of you long for?
What does belonging, connection, and “mattering” look like? In stark contrast to loneliness and being alone (two potentially different things) belonging is a complex construct involving feelings of being valued and understood and accepted as your most authentic self. A place where you can be yourself without fear of being judged or rejected. You may still have conflict and challenges in this space, but you can fail and rise because you know that the people around you want you to succeed and grow.
Of note, this space may not always be with family or those we “should” be connected to (abolishing “shoulds” is a later blog) and can come from many potential places – both professional and personal.
The process of building a sense of belonging:
Start wherever you are. Begin with small experiments such as saying hello to a stranger, asking the person checking you out of a store “how are you doing today”, or try a day devoid of social media. Notice what happens after these small trials? Do you notice any slight changes in how you feel? How you think?
Get out of your house! Seek out experiences and places where you may be more likely to find individuals with similar interests, values, hobbies, or beliefs. You may find a place to start on-line and there are wonderful, supportive communities available. The balance is to find in-person along with virtual means to connect with others.
Next, take a deep breath in, and slowly exhale. Reaching out to others takes courage, especially if you have been more withdrawn or self-protective.
Now, find a healthy internal dialogue to support your efforts. This may sound like “I am ready to try these small experiments, I am looking up, reaching out to others with my most authentic self, and allowing myself to experience whatever comes my way. I am becoming more present. I can find a few individuals or groups who are looking up too. Or perhaps I can help them look up.”
These connections don’t have to be a vast network and make sure you aren’t using social media to inform you that others are surrounded by vast groups and have it all, and you don’t. A feeling of isolation and being alone is quite universal, and you just need to look at current statistics supporting high numbers to dismiss the distorted view that can sometimes be projected through various social media platforms. These sources have a place in your life, just not as a measuring stick for success related to connection with others.
Now, become intentional and take a few risks (more to come in future blogs about breaking out of negative thinking patterns and fear). Take these truths into your heart as you breathe in. “The more I value those around me, the more they value me. I show up and am greeted like a trusted friend. I see the interesting things about this person, I become radically curious about who they are and what makes them tick.”
A note of caution here. Not everyone is your cup of tea. Not everyone is ready to connect or move closer to you, and that is okay. When we take risks, we fail more often. This failure builds up our emotional muscles and readiness to take even more risks. Think back to a difficult time in your life, a loss or a “failure” and reflect on how this shifted your perspective on life. I know when my mother passed away, it changed my world view, and I wasn’t bothered by small things as I was in the past. I became emotionally more resilient and learned to “bounce back” quicker when difficulties arose in my life.
Now, repeat. Don’t forget the “breathe in, breathe out” as you Look Up even more.
Please share your experiences and offer hopeful stories to others as they build belonging in their lives.